So I'm sixteen and I'm naked. This happens a lot, they say, but for me it's really strange, because I'm judging the Miss America pageant and I'm having a hard time with it, to say the least. The whole time I'm standing there on the stage with my pencil and my scorecard and I can tell the camera is on me because I can see the red light and Dick Clark is looking at me, waiting for me to announce the winner. And I'm thinking about Mickey Mantle, and about my mom, and about that ugly woman who lives on the corner but nothing is working. So I reach for the microphone and if I'm lucky I wake up about then.

      I had to sit in the car in Dina's driveway for a little while because the last thing I wanted to do was walk into her house with a hard-on from thinking about a damn dream. So I decided to wait until after the traffic report, figuring that by then I would be okay. About halfway through an accident in the tunnel I realized that she probably wouldn't notice anyway, given her recent track record. So I just got out and knocked on the door. I think she kept me waiting because I didn't hear any footsteps but it still took her a while to open it. She was smiling and I smiled back. She was wearing some crazy perfume -- I could smell it as I walked past her into the hallway, but I didn't want to say anything in case anyone was around.
      Her sister Luann was sitting watching TV in the living room and I waved but she didn't even look up. I guess ‘Unsolved Mysteries' was just too engrossing. I could hear Joe and Russ talking out back so I kept walking down the hall and out the screen door. Russ grabbed a beer from the cooler and softballed it to me. I almost fumbled it and I had to use two hands, but he had already turned back to talk to Joe and probably didn't notice.
      "What?" I asked, "What are you talking about?"
      "Oh, just that if Dina mentions the word ‘ring' one more time, I'm outta here."
      "And I was telling him he'd hate being married," Joe added.
      "It's not really Dina anyway," Russ said. "I don't think she would care if it weren't for Luann. Like right now. I bet they're in there yapping about my future like I'm not even out here." He dropped his empty can back into the open cooler and leaned back in his lawn chair and looked out over the scrubby yard. I looked back towards the screen door but no one was there.
      "When is Luann leaving?" Joe asked.
      "Oh Lord, I have no idea. Every time I even mention it, Dina says that old thing about blood and water, you know," Russ replied.
      "I hate it when they do that. What are you supposed to say to that? ‘Get your sister outta here so we can have sex again someday?'" Joe replied, laughing. Russ and I laughed too and I took another gulp of beer. My can was almost empty.
      "You think you're joking, don't you? Every time I try, you know, to get a little or whatever, she puts me off, tells me Luann will hear us. We haven't done it in weeks."
      "You're just lucky you're not married yet. After the wedding she won't even give you the time of day," said Joe. He would know, I figured, he got married two years ago -- the first of our friends to go. Russ nodded at him and leaned into the cooler for another beer. He looked back at me to see if I wanted one. I shook the liquid in the bottom of mine and shook my head no. He opened one for himself.
      "I just can't figure out why it's so important for women to get married, married, married all the time. What's the big deal? I mean hell, it was hard enough on me to agree to move in here in the first place." Russ waved his hand as if to dismiss the house behind him.
      "Hey Russ, you better watch it. Sounds to me like Dina's wearing the pants around here already," Joe laughed. I looked back at the screen door and then laughed too but I was getting freaked out by the whole conversation. What the hell. The cooler was only a few feet away from me so I threw my empty can in.
      "Nah, it's not like that," Russ said. "She's cool. I just sometimes wish I had my own place. Especially now that Luann is around all the time. Hey, I even sound like I'm married. Maybe I should just give in. As usual, it's inevitable."
      "Nothing is inevitable. Unless, you know, she was pregnant or something . . . " Joe said, and grinned.
      What? My stomach jumped up into my brain and back down again and I wanted to put my head between my knees. Then I realized I was staring right at Russ so I looked at the cooler instead. Russ didn't seem to notice, he just looked at Joe over the rim of his beer can and said sternly, "Them's fightin' words, Joe." Then he and Joe laughed loudly. I laughed a little too because I didn't want to seem weird, then I got up like I had to go the bathroom and went into the house.
      Dina and Luann were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table as I came through the screen door. Dina pulled a chair halfway out from the table like she wanted me to sit there. I sat down but I felt a little weird sitting between the two of them when I could still pretty much hear Joe and Russ outside.
      "So, how you've been, Will?" she asked.
      "Pretty good, how about you?" I had seen her on Friday and she knew it, but I was glad she was being sneaky. I really wanted Luann to leave so I could ask Dina about the pregnant thing. And I didn't have anything to do with my hands so I rocked my chair onto its back legs and held onto the table with my fingertips. From that far back, I could see her legs crossed at the ankle under the table. She was wearing sandals.
      "I'm fine, can I get you anything? A beer or a sandwich or something?"
      "No, I'm fine." Luann was barely even looking at me. "How you doing, Luann?"
      "I'm fine too, Will, thanks." Luann smiled into her coffee cup. I got the feeling that the two of them had some deal not to leave me alone in the room with her. I felt like a serial killer. I mean Jesus, it's not like anything was going to happen right there in the kitchen. So we just sat there for a minute and I put the legs of my chair back down on the floor. Suddenly I was afraid Russ would come in and wonder what I was doing and I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say. So I smiled at them, got up and went into the bathroom.
      I must have been in that bathroom a dozen times but I had never noticed how pink the whole thing was. Toothbrush holder, little towels, even the thing over the spare roll of toilet paper. When Russ and I lived in the apartment on McArthur we had way more to think about than hiding the spare roll of toilet paper. Hell, most of the time there wasn't even an extra one around. I smiled at myself in the medicine cabinet. It was framed in pink fake wood. I watched myself roll my eyes and I decided that Dina and I had been super careful. I made another face in the mirror, then I went back into the kitchen.
      Dina was gone but Luann was still sitting there with her cup of coffee.
      "What happened to Dina?"
      "Why?" Luann smiled. She knew about me and Dina. I should have known that Dina would tell her. Of course she told her. Maybe she even told Russ, maybe that was what that whole thing with Joe was about. Maybe Luann told Russ. Damn! All I knew was that I didn't want to be in that house for another second. I walked over to the screen door but didn't open it.       "Hey Russ, I'm outta here." I said through the dusty metal screen. Joe was opening another beer.       "OK, Will, see you later. Oh, hold on a second and I'll get you that hose. Meet me around front." Russ put his beer can on the ground and started walking around the side of the house. I turned back to the kitchen and smiled at Luann, then I walked back through the house and out the front door. There was no sign of Dina.
      Russ was already in the dark garage, coiling my green garden hose over his shoulder. "Thanks for lending me this, man, I just get so tired of paying the damn car wash people. Hey man, looks to me like you should have taken this back a while ago. No wonder you're such a menace on the road. You can't even see out the windshield!" he smiled and kept coiling. I followed his eyes over to my car in the driveway. It was coated with pollen and streaked with bird shit.
      "Yeah, I guess I need to get some new wiper fluid too, huh? See you later." I reached through the open driver's window and popped the trunk. He dropped the hose in and as I slammed the trunk shut, I thought I saw someone in an upstairs window. Damn. I tried to wave nonchalantly at Russ and drove away. I also tried not to look back and when I did all I saw was the mailbox disappearing around the corner.

So this incredible woman is making love to me and I'm looking up at her, totally turned on, but something is wrong. Not that, that part feels great. I mean really great. So I close my eyes, but something is weird. I don't want her to notice so I squint and look all around, still moving, with my hands on her hips, and trying to make her think I'm not distracted. I try to stop worrying and concentrate. After a minute and, as usual, a minute too soon, she gives this little cry and sort of falls down on top of me. I wrap my arms across her back and suddenly my eyes are open and I shove her off of me because I could see behind her for the first time. Right there at the foot of the bed is a line of people, men and women in baseball hats, each one has a flag on it and the name of a country. France, Spain, Italy, Japan. And they have pencils and scorecards.

      I drove by Dina's house on my way to the store, and I could see her all the way from the end of the block. I realized the hose was still in my trunk from last week, and she was standing at the bottom of her driveway with a watering can instead, watering some yellow flowers that grow there. I pulled into the driveway and she waved and walked towards my car.
      "Hey Will, how's it going? Sorry, Russ isn't here. He and Joe and Clark went to the races." She wiped her forehead with the back of her arm. She was just wearing a teeshirt and shorts and her hair was in a sad kind of ponytail but she looked great. Damn!       "Oh. I was just around and decided to stop by. I guess I should have called first. How you doing?"
      "I'm great. Nice day. You want to come in for a beer or something?"
      "Sure." I almost asked if Luann was around but decided that wasn't very polite. I turned off the ignition and pulled the emergency brake, got out and followed her up the front steps. She peeled off her gardening gloves as she walked, dropping them on the outside doormat as she opened the door.
      Little curls of her hair were stuck up against the back of her neck as I followed her into the kitchen. Dina leaned into the fridge, pulled a beer from its plastic ring and tossed it to me, then pulled one out for herself. The can was so cold I almost couldn't hold it. We sat down at the table for a minute and neither of us said anything. I couldn't believe it but I was getting turned on just sitting there and I wondered again if Luann was around.
      Dina took a big gulp of beer and started talking fast. "I really love Russ, you know. Living in this house, it's like we're married. He says he freaks out because I own it and he says he feels like a guest, but he's getting used to it. And you and he have been friends forever."
      It's like deja vu. Not deja vu, that other thing where you know what's about to happen. It had nothing to do with being psychic or any of that soul-mate bullshit, but in about fifteen minutes I was going to have to walk out of there and probably never come back in, because she was about to say how she wanted me to go and leave her alone to be with Russ and have kids and cable TV and a lawn. For a second I thought about that thing on Dina's necklace that was always swinging down and hitting my nose. The time on the highway when the police pulled me over for speeding but she didn't stop going down on me, not even in front of the officer. Suddenly, I was in love with her. If we packed some stuff really fast, we could just get in my car and drive away. It would be really easy. And she could come back and live at my place and it would all be great. And on Sundays we could go to a coffee shop and read the paper and laugh at the other people and stop for a movie on the way home. If there wasn't a parking space I could sit and wait in the car and she could run in and pick one out.
      "So, Will, I have to tell you this but I don't want you to take it the wrong way."
      She was about to ruin everything and she didn't even know it yet. So I grabbed her hand and I didn't even think about what I was going to say. I just said, "Dina, I want to be with you. I really mean it. I want to be with you. We can just --"
      Dina was staring at me, like she was waiting, but I was paralyzed. It was like that game my brothers and I played when we were little, freeze tag. But she was just looking at me like I was from another planet. She pulled her hand away and fidgeted with her beer can, spinning it around on the table and playing with the pop top. Pretty soon I couldn't handle it. I felt like the biggest idiot. To top it all off, she had that look girls get when they want you to see they're all upset. So I changed the subject.
      "Does Luann know? Does Russ know?"
      "Are you crazy? Well, yeah, I told Luann but that's because I had to ask her advice, you know, girl stuff," she smiled wryly. "Whatever. But she's my sister, she's fine. Of course I didn't tell Russ," her tone changed. "That would be just plain stupid, wouldn't it? I mean, like I want to go and shoot myself in the foot? Will, listen. The important thing is that we've stopped, all right? I just want to make sure that Russ doesn't, you know, whatever. Okay?"
      "Fine, fine. Whatever you want. You're the boss." I got up and walked out.
      "Hey, Will, wait." I turned around, Dina was leaning against the doorway in the kitchen, with her beer in her hand. "What did you mean when you said you wanted to be with me?"
      Just like a girl to pull that shit. I said what I said, didn't I? I already felt stupid about saying it and now she throws it back in my face. She wasn't even looking right at me, she was looking sort of at my sneakers.
      "Nothing. Forget it. See you later."
      I got in the car and drove away, but I didn't peel out or anything because I was above all that childish shit and besides, Luann might have been upstairs the whole time. But I was bummed because if Russ didn't know about it yet then why couldn't we keep doing it, you know, every once in a while? It's like quitting smoking cold turkey when you never planned to start in the first place. It made no sense.

So I'm at a cocktail party with my ex-girlfriends. Megan, April, both Debbies, Kim, Elaine, Jenny and Julianne, and everyone. They're dressed up all fancy and I can't believe how great they look. I know they didn't look this great while I was dating them. Up on the stage is Dina and an easel with a big picture of some guy. Hands start going up, cards are waving. Hell, Margo just bid $2,000, where did she get that kind of money? Dina bangs a gavel and hands the picture to a woman I don't recognize who bid $7,500. So then Dina puts a picture of me up there and the room gets totally quiet. No one bids anything. I start yelling "Hey, hey, it's me!" but I can't get anyone's attention so I run up on the stage but the lights are bright and I can't see anything except my bare feet and the edge of the stage. And I'm still naked. But it gets even worse, because in the next second I'm on my couch watching the whole thing on ‘Entertainment Tonight' with my both my grandmothers.

      I saw her again a few weeks later because Russ had called to see if I wanted to come hang out and have a few beers. I parked on the street because he and Joe were shooting hoops in the driveway when I got there. Joe passed me the ball when I was still only halfway up the driveway, so I bounced it a few times and looked to take a shot but it was pretty far and I was always better at lay-ups anyway, so I weaved around them and tipped it in from right under the basket. But I didn't want to get involved in a game with them. Besides, they were both sort of sweaty so it looked like they were already playing one-on-one. I sat down on the edge of the lawn by the cooler and opened a beer.
      "You guys want one?" But Joe pointed to two cans sitting by the garage door and started heckling Russ as they picked up their game.
      "You want a piece of me? You're going to have to try harder than that!"
      "The great Russ Chersky evaluates the defense, sees there is none . . . " Russ slid out from under Joe's waving arms but kept up the commentary. "He pivots, he bobs, he weaves, he shoots . . . and it's in! The crowd goes wild!" Russ did a little victory dance and Joe grabbed the rebound.
      The front door creaked open behind me and I didn't want to turn around but I did. Dina was standing there on the steps and she smiled a little at me when I caught her eye, but she was looking over me towards the basketball game. She came down and sat next to me. I handed her a beer.
      "Hey Will, how you doing?"
      "I'm fine. Nice day." I looked over at Russ, who was trying to wrestle the ball from Joe.
      "What's up, you didn't want to play?"
      "Nah, I'd rather sit here and have a beer. Why get all sweaty when you don't have to?" I was talking about the game but as soon as the words were out of my mouth I was worried she thought I was reminding her of that time we made love on my balcony back in June when it was about 500 degrees in the shade. I took another sip of beer and tried not to think about it. She probably didn't remember anyway.
      "Will, we need to talk about something." She smiled and drank some beer and I bet it looked like we were talking about something normal but her voice was quiet so Russ and Joe couldn't hear. They were wrapped up in the game anyway and probably wouldn't have noticed if a bomb had exploded in the house.
      "Dina, we talked already. Forget about it, okay?"
      "Will, I'm serious. Come inside for a second with me so I can tell you something." But there was no way I was getting into that whole conversation again. If I had known she was here I probably wouldn't even have come over, I had thought it would be just Russ and Joe. But the minute I thought that I knew it wasn't true either. I didn't have an excuse though, so I yelled down the driveway that we were going in to refill the cooler. I grabbed it and followed Dina into the kitchen. She started breaking ice cube trays from the freezer and dumping them in and I pulled out another twelve-pack.
      "Will, listen. Russ and I are going to get married. On Saturday. It's just going to be family but I wanted to tell you so you wouldn't hear it from anyone else. We just decided it was time to do it. I'm really happy."
      "Fine, Dina, I'm happy for you." I realized I sounded a little snide so I looked right into her face and repeated it. "I'm happy for you, Dina."
      "But there's something else, Will."
      "Hey Will! Where's the beer?" Russ yelled from outside. Dina and I each grabbed a handle and carried the cooler back out and dropped it on the asphalt. I didn't even care what the other thing was, I just wanted to get out of there and fast.
      "Hold onto your horses, tough guy," Dina said and leaned up on tiptoes to give Russ a kiss on the cheek. He looked embarrassed and Joe poked him in the ribs with the ball.
      "Well, I'm outta here. See you guys later." I didn't wait for any questions or any goodbyes, I just walked down the driveway and got in my car. As I pulled away I looked down at the gauge and realized I was practically out of gas. Luckily there was a gas station right around the corner, and it had a car wash too. It was almost September, after all, so pollen season was pretty much over. It didn't make much sense to do it before, while the shit was still falling off the trees, but maybe today I'll give the car a good professional washing and waxing, too, since I had to get gas anyway.

So it's six months later and I'm walking to the mailbox, which is normal, but this time there's a light blue envelope with a card in there that says that Dina had a baby. She wrote a note on the back that says even though his name is William, everybody already calls him Billy.